While We Have Little In Common...

Dear Sir,

While we have little in common I must salute you for your bravery. Only a complete idiot, or a rather brave fool would dare to insult me in the ways you have. Nevertheless, I salute you. You have made a mockery and a mimicry of me constantly for many years now, yet I have refused to raise a hand or utter a curse.

All this will change soon. I will no longer tolerate your behavior. Nor will I sit idly by and watch you pantomime my suffering. Your days are numbered. Consider yourself met and well received. The game is on and I will track you down and send you on into the clearing.

And yet you ask, "What have I ever done to offend you, sir?" I will tell you, your list of infamies is long.

You have repeatedly mocked my existence, denied my intelligence, squandered my goodwill, made a fool of me in the dribble you call "writing." You have offered burnt toast to me, though you knew me to be thirsty, given me spoiled milk to ease my stomach ache, pissed in my shoes, rolled and smoked my goddamn pot, layed siege to my sand castles and imitated Godzilla in destroying them, which I might add has also landed you on the big green's shit list. Be warned, he has horrible whisky breath.

You have drank from my well without asking, smoked my cigarettes, eaten my food, slept in my bed, stolen every girl I have ever loved, spent all my money, dogeared my books, and walked off without so much as a "thank you" or "sorry about that, old chap."

Nothing, nothing you do or say will cause me to relent in my quest for vengeance. You are met, sir. You are met. Would that I were not you when next we meet in the mirror.

Sincerely,

Me